DOA : Dead or Alive The Movie Recap: Part 1

I say with my custom hyperbole, Dead of Alive is the worst thing I have ever seen.

Otherwise known as “DOA” it's a popular beat em up video game created by Tomonobu Itagaki, a strange long haired maverick game designer who happens to like the busoms, a lot. DOAwas released in 2006, at a time where camp was out in cinema, and serious was in. The question lingered, would a movie based on the DOA franchise have fanservice that supported the story, or a story that supported the fanservice?

That question was quickly answered when it was revealed Corey Yuen is directing. The mastermind behind Bullet Proof Monk. Oh yeah.

Than the second warning sign came, the plot synopsis:

"Four skilled martial artists whose outwardly sexy appearances betray their true lethal natures. When these fearsome females each receive an invitation to take part in an illegal martial arts competition to be staged on a remote Asian island, the prospect of a ten-million-dollar top prize is only sweetened by the fact that they will be facing off against some of the toughest fighters on the planet..."

Never mind that this is the most cliché plot one could ever think up for a fighting movie, it’s outright full of lies. “Fearsome females?” . That sounds like something the narrator of the 60’s Batman TV show would say. Let’s give it a try:

Will the dynamic duo escape these fearsome females? Or will the caped crusaders succumb to their lethal natures! Find out! Same bat time! Same bat channel!

Dead or Alive the game’s story, is about a young ninja girl or kunoichi ,called Kasumi who seeks revenge on a very bad man while surviving against assassins. So it's The Fugitive meets Kill Bill. 

The movie makes a...slight deviation... 

He watched DOA. Now he is stuck like this. 

The film opens with a zoom in on a CGI mountain range amidst “Asiany” sounding drum beats. The zoom and the tempo of it is entirely too fast, and it’s here, almost immediately, that you realise how slap dash the creators must have been. Imagine what the mountain intro to The Two Towers would have looked if it was sped up double. That’s what this is. The camera “impressively” swoops into more CGI, this time an Asian temple of sorts with a lot of people who all look the same, holding the exact same purple banners in the exact the same way. All this among modern credits that tastelessly clash with the historical surroundings. The caption informs us that we’re in the Ishikari Mountains, Japan. All right, I’ll buy that, but what are all these guys standing around holding banners for? They don’t seem to be doing anything. Maybe they’re waiting for a speech of some kind. Do they do this everyday? Cos truly, no one can get through the day without their morning oratory.

Than we see that there’s no one there at the top of the stairs. No speech giver. What the hell? So these guys really are standing around for no reason. Wild. A skinny Asian guy with a bad mullet than says “Princess Kasumi”.

Princess? Ninja Clans don’t have princesses.

Ok then, so I take it in this continuity, Kasumi must be the daughter of the Emperor of Japan. They’re apparently living in a very old temple type palace, which means that this film must be set in the seventeenth century or so. Pretty bold move there by the screenwriters, but not entirely unwelcome as it could be a clever way to eliminate the non essential characters of the games, characters who could easily overburden the plot.

Mullet then tells Kasumi that her brother is dead. Okay? Isn’t he nice to bring up the memory of her dead brother like that. He then goes on about how her destiny is to “Lead her people“. Is it? Well now we know that this has to be a historical setting, because the modern Emperor of Japan doesn’t “lead” anything, he’s like the Queen of England, a constitutional monarch and a head of state, They stay out of politics.

Kasumi tells Mullet she is not a cricket in a box. Then proceeds to place a cricket in a box. Without air holes.



Let him go, you cricketicidal maniac!


 Kasumi is being played by Devon Aoki. Why couldn't they get a full Japanese actress? Cos Hollywood. She says she won’t believe he’s dead until she sees his body, and Mullet defensively says that there is no body. Wow, he sounds pretty certain of that. How does he know with such conviction? This is getting suspicious. They exchange some banter where Kasumi uses circular logic to decline Mullet’s offer of help. If she's a princess then why is he allowed to shout at her like this? Is he a princess too?

Mullet then proceeds to give Kasumi a death threat. Really? Are you really going to threaten the daughter of the Emperor who pays your wages and feeds you? I think it’s here that one of the reasons why they made Kasumi a princess becomes sadly apparent. They did it to justify Devon Aoki’s wooden acting, which is misguided as regal is one of the hardest roles actors can play as they have to be reserved and polite without being bland and monotone, hence it requires a great deal of subtlety. Watching Aoki here is like watching a rat that thinks it’s Pikachu try to play Pokemon cards, and apparently this royal dynasty are all ninjas. That’s stupid, but whatever, let’s go with that.



See how the male Japanese characters are 100% Japanese, but the female ones are not? Think I'm nitpicking? Wait for it... 

Kasumi is making a hash of walking down stone stairs with white high heels. Don’t worry dear,  just call up Bart Simpson, I hear he gives lessons. All the loiterers in the palace block her exit with their silly purple banners that looks like they’re in the middle of a pride parade.

Just when you were beginning to think these layabouts actually had a purpose by keeping the protective Emperor’s daughter from escaping,  we see that these so called “guards” just back away from a Kasumi who confidently walks right through them. So what use are they? She than, with what must be super hearing, hears a single blade being drawn ridiculously loudly and sees a light shining in her eyes. Gratuitously, she then throws her robes in slow motion which becomes CGI and implausibly kicks a sword from one of the scenery men and does some fancy swirly patterns. So not only are these guys useless, all they do is represent free weapons for the princess to escape with. Do any of them try to stop her? Do they rush her?

Nope.

Incredibly, we're only three minutes in.

A white girl in a cheap purple wig comes out and the two ladies point swords at each other. Kasumi’s CGI robe then pointlessly falls on their swords. Yawn. All this artsy crap does it distract from the tension in the scene. Then Kasumi says “Ayane” as if her opponent needs reminding of her own name. Then our worst fears have been realised. We must move quickly if our brains are to survive. Ayane is supposed to be Kasumi’s half sister and archrival, but she is simply miscast here. What are the chances that a white woman would be in the direct service of, and even directly related to the Japanese royal dynasty and secret ninja clan? Zip.



Guys? Shouldn't we break this up? Hey anybody? No? Okay...I'll be quiet.


So from here on out, this purple headed chick shall be known as “Wiggy”. Kasumi says she knows of her love for her brother. Yes, incest makes everything better. Admittedly this was in the games (they later wised up and changed “love” to “respect”), but it doesn’t stop it from being any less wrong and dumb. Mullet kneels for no reason and strangely, all the loiterers kneel too. Wiggy says she’s her servant, but is honour bound to kill her if she leaves. Which given what the movie has told us so far about these character’s ranks, makes no sense at all. One would think that the heiress to the Imperial throne was a precious commodity to them who should be protected at all costs, not slaughtered the second she leaves the palace grounds for a taco or a Mc D‘s. Everybody’s kneeling now, and oh boy is this ridiculous and laughably absurd.

Kasumi throws her weapon, runs on top of the conveniently kneeling loiterer’s backs on wires, impossibly jumps on her sword which umpossibly catapults her into the air, over a fifty foot wall and she takes off and soars through the sky, as if she's Janet Jackson in Runaway.


Martay! I don't think I'm Peter Pan! I AM Peter Pan! 

Kasumi than reveals that she’s wearing a glider underneath.

A GLIDER.

A secluded Princess in a secret ancient city, that is not allowed to see outsiders under penalty of death, has a high tech, MODERN GLIDER.

Where’d she buy it from, Ebay? Who knew they delivered to secret ninja cities.

Secondly, the other characters in this and previous scenes, don't actually know that she has a glider. So to them, it should appear that she has just committed suicide. None of them panic, and none of these highly trained ninjas noticed the large hump underneath Kasumi's kimono. 

Kasumi is flying away la de da, than suddenly a shuriken is thrown at Kasumi from off camera, which she magically catches and sees it’s an invitation to “DoA”. Whatever that is. Kasumi smiles at this. As you would after a two pound, razor sharp, pointed shuriken was thrown at you. So who threw it? Whoever it was would have to know the location of Kasumi's secret ninja palace, and would have to know at precisely what time Kasumi would leap off the wall and use her glider. They would also have to know that Kasumi was capable of all of this, was capable of catching it, and would have needed to have god-like accuracy to throw a shuriken at a swiftly moving target in the middle of the sky.

I guess this throws out the explanation that this is a period setting, which means the entire movie has been so far, nothing but a giant plot hole. Great. What happens next is nauseating so I’ll just gloss over it quickly. There’s three snapshots of Kasumi and a CGI …thing that says “KASUMI” has Aoki’s mug in it. The movie has effectively just told us that it thinks it’s audience wouldn’t know who the characters are unless it spells their names in bold capital letters. The very essence of dumb, loud and unnecessary.



 Shinobi and Ninja mean the same thing, so she's really a Ninja Ninja Princess. So ninja, that one ninja is insufficient to cover her ninjaness! She's ninja squared! 

HARDCORE rock music plays as a peroxide, heavily tanned woman in a stars and stripes bikini clambers onto a yacht in a shot angled downward for maximum breast exposure. All I could see was that her face and body were completely different colours; face : white, body : orange. She does more hardcore things like completely vertical sit ups. She talks to her father to establish that she’s a wrestler, which suddenly makes her very tame as she’s certainly no Chyna.

Men with machine guns board her yacht and this woman, who’s name we haven’t established yet but is clearly Tina Armstrong, who is being played by Jaime Pressly, acts completely unconcerned as these heavily armed men approach her. If the characters don’t care for their own safety, why should the audience do the caring for them?

Ok wait, these men don’t even bring the guns with them? Why wouldn’t they? Even if they weren’t going to shoot her for fear of harming the boat than for what possible reason would they not use their weapons for intimidation? Tina kicks all their asses because as movie villains they know to play fair and take turns attacking. A shuriken invite to DOA - whatever that is - is thrown at and embeds itsef in, Tina's million dollar boat. She of course smiles at this, not questioning how the senders of said invitation know precisely where she was in the wide ocean. What follows is another identification scene in the exact same style as Kasumi's, because it was so cool the first time it happened!

Next is Holly Vallance! (really? Holly Vallance?) In a shower scene where all that’s shown is her back. Which is fifties kind of tame. Cops raid her room and threaten to arrest her as apparently she’s a master thief. Can't be that masterful if she was caught in the shower, or if she isn't already scaling down the side of the wall with suction handles. She babbles on about diamonds and tries her best to sound like a hooker while the cop just stands there and looks uncomfortable. Or bored. It’s hard to tell with this acting. She puts on her knickers and these so called professional lawmen act so weird and childish that it completely kills the seductive vibe the scene is going for. They near foam at the mouth and almost jerk off right there. Holly Vallance isn’t exactly Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct, but oh boy does the little Aussie try to be, and man oh man does she fail spectacularly at it. She’s simply trying way too hard. When she asks for her bra, the lead cop picks it up with his gun (Did she know he would do that ahead of time?) and pretty much hands over the weapon as she easily kicks it out of his hand. Bad cops, bad cops. Those Springfield cops. The black bra of death goes flying with said gun.


DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP HURR DURR.


Holly Vallance incredibly, beats up three heavily armed cops before the bra and the gun even start to fall. Hey guys, you know the objects in your hands? They're called guns. If you use them, they kill things!

We then get to the big trailer moment of the movie. After she beats the cops, she stretches out her arms and the bra impossibly slides down those arms by it's own weight and she catches the gun. The bra and the gun, went up at about the same time, and the same bra comes down first, while the much heavier gun comes down after. Much after. Yep, that sound was Newton rolling in his grave. She points the gun at the cop’s jaffers. And says “Do me up”. Despite the fact that for all she knows these cops could have brought back up, who could be listening outside. She proceeds to knock him out with his own gun, which he fully deserved for his stupidity, and runs out of her room in her lingerie and proceeds to give an old man a heart attack as he gets a eyeful. Finished with the arrogant lording of her sexuality over others, she steals some of the old man’s clothes and hops onto a bike on wires. Why? Why was that necessary? Would it make any difference at all if she got on the bike like a normal person? Are these people trying to alienate the audience?


Dance! I said Dance!

She starts the bike and we see that the keys are already in the ignition just waiting for her to turn it, and the off button's on my DVD player, just waiting for me to press it.

She rides off on someone’s Ducati, and another shuriken actually follows her bike like a homing pigeon and embeds itself in the windscreen, cracking it. Christie smiles at almost being killed and we get another campy identification scene that this time says “CHRISTIE”. Oh really? That’s Christie? Not once do they bother to mention her name in the actual scene and the Christie from the games is an assassin, not a thief. I think now’s the time to mention that in the games, Christie’s hair is also white, not blonde and styled completely differently to movie Christie. Let me get this straight, they give the actress who plays Ayane a purple wig to work with, yet they don’t bother styling or colouring Holly Christie’s hair right? The costume department sure aren't pulling their weight.

Cut to … somewhere. A man behind a curtain tells Wiggy to kill Kasumi as she has become a “shinobi”. Who is this guy giving orders? Is he supposed to be the Emperor of Japan, aka Princess Kasumi’s father? He then says that Kasumi has dishonoured their “clan” just like her brother. That means this really is just a ninja clan and not the Japanese royal dynasty, so I’ll say it again.

NINJA CLANS NEVER HAD PRINCES OR PRINCESSES.


Purple Reign.


To be a princess, implies that your father is a king or an emperor. Kasumi’s father would be the King or Emperor of what? Ninjaness? It can’t be of modern Japan, so when Mullet said that it was Kasumi’s “Destiny to lead her people” , did he just mean the ninja clan? That’s a pretty grandiose and pompous name to give to yourself isn’t it? It’s like someone declaring himself the Emperor of Manchester, and calling his kids Princes and Princesses of the football club. Perhaps the whole Princess thing was just to make “Kasumi” sound more feminine to western audiences Which is ludicrous because Kasumi sounds plenty feminine to me. Let’s give it a try though:

- Warts.

- Princess Warts.

Yep, definitely more femme.