Friday 11 September 2020

Provocations Beyond Fiction.

 I am a  graphic novelist in the high fantasy genre.I have a Fine Art Practice Foundation Degree and I specialize in traditional media. The low cost of simple pencil and paper has shaped my art practice. 

 

I represent Notts Trans Hub. I’m a moderator there actually. We are a Nottingham based facebook group that works to bring the trangender  Community together for organising, consultation, empowerment, sharing resources, etc - it's a communication tool, that covers local news and issues. However it became clear within not too long of its founding that there's a massive gap in NHS services for supporting trans people, notably the three year wait to see Gender Clinics, currently a necessity to begin medical therapies in the UK.  So the spin-off the Trans Space Notts real life monthly peer support  group was set up by community member volunteers. As some people never make it to the Trans space Notts peer support group, and need community support outside of the once a month that service can be provided, Notts Trans Hub admins decided to allow Facebook posts that request support. However, although there are a few trans volunteers who happen to be mental health professionals, NTH is not an official support group because it was not setup that way and there are not enough qualified volunteers to safely advertise NTH as a support group. 


That said, we do our best to be there for people during difficult times. Notably around the Winter holidays. A 2018 report by Stonewall showed more than one in 10 trans people (11 per cent) who are out to their family, aren’t supported by any of their family members. 


Many of our members are trans activists, as such Notts Trans Hub operates by whats known as the Safer Space Guidelines. A set of affirmations created by it’s founding members, that organizations can sign up to in order to show their commitment to trans inclusivity. The idea that Trans people’s self identification should be respected, that trans people are marginalized, pointing out the need for alles, representation, and so forth. 


On the subject of representation, the inclusion of a trans character, even a trans lead in genre fiction ought to be no more controversial than cisgender character. Backlash at the very concept includes the idea that it’s quote “forcing diversity” And forcing “leftist ideology and the trans agenda”, neglecting the fact that we are neither an ideology, an agenda, or a debate, but rather people with the potential to be included in and lead narratives outside of the narrow framework set by the media.


With trans representations, the transformation itself is the focus. The notion that to include a trans character one must be telling a stereotypical trans narrative, one of quote, “feeling like they’re born in the wrong body”, coupled with a sensationalized and fetishized, transformation. Here you can see that writers who are taught not to be redundant, and to be as minimalist as possible, can begin to see gender diversity as a superfluous addition unless something specific is done with those traits. This is a factor across all forms of minority representation in fiction: You mean to tell me the character isn’t a straight cis white male?  Explanation please! As if every other kind of humanoid represents the not only an agenda, but constitutes tokenism if they merely get to join the party. 

 

From writing forums.com. Quote: 

“I don't think that diversity should be emphasised when writing just to tick the diversity box,  In my novel I actually ticked that box by not mentioning the diversity of my characters. If society wants to regard ethnic diversity as read throughout itself then I don't feel the need to write it into my work because it must be the default assumption. If a reader can work out the ethnicity of my characters from what I have written then so be it, but if they can't then it is clearly irrelevant to the story”


Another poster responds with: 

“I agree that you shouldn't incorporate non-white characters just to be diverse. That's tokenism and most non-white people I've talked to about this find it really annoying.”


This view comes from a position of privilege and underestimates the value of simply being seen. Of simply having a place in the adventure, even if it’s a small one, as the poster is likely used to being represented and seen all the time. And something that is abundant is taken for granted. As such fails to account for one simple fact: Tokenism is better than nothing. As a non white trans person myself, I’ll take it. As simply being included, is a massive step up from the way we’re usually portrayed in news stories. This is sad that we’re at the point where a trans person just standing around in the background, and not being depicted as a deviant, is a revolutionary act. Take for Instance, JK Rowlings, series of crime books written under the pseudonym “Robert Galrath”;


In book two, The Silkworm, which won the Gold Dagger Award in 2015 from the Crime Writers' Association. A potential suspect, trans woman Pippa Midgley is a pitiful, high-strung, violent character with no sense or self-preservation. She stalks and attacks Strike with a Stanley knife. When Strike defends himself and drags her into his office, references are made to Pippa's assigned sex at birth: her "prominent" Adam's apple, voice "as rough and loud as a docker's," and the vocal exercises she may have done, as she explains she's transitioning. Strike threatens her when she attempts escape. "If you go for that door one more fucking time I'm calling the police and I'll testify and be glad to watch you go down for attempted murder. And it won't be fun for you inside, Pippa...not pre-op."


This from one of the best selling authors of all time. Excerpts like these provocate beyond fiction indeed, as it does damage to real people and contributes to a trans misogynistic culture. Does she get a happy ending? No, she gets called a self dramatizing twat for even wanting one. 


Compared to that, Trans men inhabit the comparatively enviable position of simply being ignored. In her book, Whipping Girl, Julia Serano writes: 


“The media tends to not notice - or outright ignore trans men, because they are unable to sensationalize them without bringing masculinity itself into question. 


Some at this point chime in with the defence of Rowling et al, with the notion that they’re writing seedy crime, or otherwise dystopian fiction,  so of course trans people cannot expect to be placed in positions of empowerment. No one is. To which I say that is a false premise, other characters almost always are protected by the writer. Furthermore there is a balance to be struck between empowerment and sensitivity, vs the need to place characters through conflict and meaningful struggle. Indeed sometimes characters must say and do things that are politically incorrect in order to create a narrative that is both interesting and flawed. No one is saying that a good trans character is to be a paragon. However it is the overall portrayal that matters. What experience and impression is the reader leaving the story with. This is determined by the underlying messages and themes that tie the character’s actions and interactions together, not so much individual moments. By no means it it an easy thing to write, and it requires deep thought as well as a knowledge of the community to avoid offensive stereotypes. As such straight cis white males are the easiest to write as the threshold of criticism is at its lowest. An implausibly hypercompetent straight  white cis male lead  is just your standard action hero. An implausibly hypercompetent straight cis white female lead is called as a Mary Sue. Changed anything else in those lists of traits, change white to black, change cis to trans, even change the body type, and it becomes seen as the dreaded “SJW Propaganda” with accompanying “The sky is falling” and “Get Woke, Go Broke” memes. For a trans lead inherently begins to threaten the status quo by saying that not all stories need to cater to the cisgender gaze in order to work. These critiques are based on a foundation of hypocrisy. For when a fictional work includes types of people and right wing politics they like, all of a sudden its “just a game” and “just a movie”, as evidenced recently by their defence of Ubisoft using Black Lives Matter as the villains in the game “Tom Clancy’s Elite Squad”. To them, and to most media gatekeepers, majority does not only rule, it takes up all the space. 


Thus sadly we are living in what I call a “Desert of Originality”. Or what the moviepreviewcritic called “The Moviepocalypse”. It doesn’t refer to a lack of originality at the indie level. Far from it. There are many talented independent writers struggling to be recognised and try to be original and legit. There are people like that in Notts Trans Hub.  But does it pay off? No. 


You can  put years into mastering drawing, and/or original writing, and then someone comes along and quickly rises to the top by tracing famous characters and writing bad fanfics. Its exactly how I felt observing Master Media's "Anime War".  A - and I use this term loosely - creator, who gained almost three and a half million subscribers on youtube doing just that. 

 

On top of that, Hollywood seems intent on remakes, not original stories. The comics Indusry's dominated by two big studios, who have their own characters and don't accept original/unsolicited submissions. The attention of publishers of all kinds are increasingly focused on tent pole sequels. With increasing student loan debts and costs of living, the arts and especially creative writing, becomes a sub optimal choice at the university level and becomes denigrated as useless. It seems like the odds are so stacked against original creators these days. 

 

This is a feature of rampant, cut throat capitalism,  where a story that was done perfectly well the first time, would sooner be remade than actually take the chance to invest in and  build something new. What chance does trans representation have when the stories being draw upon were from eras where tran representation was terrible or non existent.  What chance do indie artists have of taking up the slack if they find themselves in an environment when they can make more money tracing over drawings of Batman and Goku than they can by going through the great labour of writing original stories?

 

It’s why conversations like these are so important. Audiences today have less disposable income to begin with, have been raised in corporate monopolies of storytelling, who’s marketing has defined the limits of their comfort zone and have an acquired fear of stepping outside of that. We as a community have the ability to unpack that and create a culture that rewards originality and through that comes representation for those who so badly need it. Trans people need allies as creatives, as there are few trans people and those who do chose to become visible are likely to find themselves relentlessly harassed. 


Monday 13 August 2018

DOA : Dead or Alive The Movie Recap: Part 4

Weatherby tries to stop this download in what's supposed to be a tense race against time. It isn't. He’s typing away furiously while it looks like poor Britney-Helena’s eyes have gone glazed from all the flashing lights and over stimulation.

Predictably, Weatherby manages to stop the download in the nick of time. Curiously enough, instead of just stopping like how normal download bars do, this one goes right back down to zero percent with a shut down sound effect. Which is again, the creators thinking we have brains the sizes of walnuts and can’t tell when a download has been terminated unless it goes all the way back down. This is despite the download screen actually saying “TRANSMISSION TERMINATED” in bold capital letters.


Even he feels patronised.


Weatherby reports Pervology to the CIA, and the doctor’s computer screen actually flashes: “CIA ALERTED”. What if Weatherby had chosen to contact the NYPD, or the LAPD or Scotland Yard or any police force the world over? Would it have said they were alerted too? How does the computer even know that they were alerted? Even if the computer does somehow know this, it was Weatherby and Fame Douglas, not Pervology who set up and built these computer systems. Why would they feel the need to install a “CIA ALERTED” alarm in their computer if they thought everything was above board? Did they know that Pervology would betray them and hatch a mad scheme when they set up the computer systems on the island? And who do they think the CIA are? Some kind of instant response unit?

*CIA agent opens his email*

To: CIA.gov
From: DOAtournament.com
Subject: HELP!

Dr Victor Donovan has evil sunshades and nanobots! And he put them in the fighters! He's harvested their moves and he's selling the sunshades to bad guys around the world! He's coming after me! MOMMY! DO SOMETHING!

- Weatherby.

----

*CIA agent rushes to the CIA Director*

Director - What's this? Send out an armed response on the double! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!!!

Pervology is heading Weatherby’s way in a nice leisurely jog. Britney-Helena, eager to test her Super Freak  powers, rushes off to face Dr. Pervology Uberhax Demigod in single combat. The explanation they give is that she doesn’t have “the nanobots” in her, however seeing how none of this should be working anyway, I’m sticking to my explanation. It makes a thousand times more sense.

Meanwhile Max opens the vault, but as he’s wearing a woman’s cat suit, there are no shoes for him to throw and he get’s quickly knocked out by Gayman. I mean Bayman.

Truly Hayate is the greatest fighter among men, but alas he is not the chosen one, and where he fails abysmally, Super Britney-Helena 2 actually lands an impressive hit on Dr Pervology Uberhax Demigod, who summarily leaves to go pick on a weakling.

That weakling being Weatherby.






He take’s Weatherby’s "life’s work" after knocking him out and starts the self destruct sequence; as per usual in these kinds of movies that all rip off the James Bond third act formula, because the CIA are coming, see? After Pervology leaves, Weatherby with his last ounce of strength, opens the “harvest pods” containing the other “fighters”. Which makes you wonder why he couldn’t have done that in the first place.

Anyhoo, they all naturally try to fight The Pervology Demigod but he leaves it to his number two (pun intended) Bayman, who like a typical movie henchman with no sense of self preservation, stands there and growls at our zeroes like he's an attack dog. Despite there being a ticking countdown to self destruct.

Dr Pervology demigod then flies to the other side of his tower. Those shades give him flying power now? If he starts shooting red lasers from his eyes then I’m out of here.

Then we see Christie and the others flying after him. Why movie? Why? When we’re so close to the end?

Mullet stays behind to get beaten up by Bayman as he's not a girl. Something I had to do a double take to find out. All four girls, Kasumi, Christie, Tina and Super Britney-Helena 2 decide to confront The Pervology Demigod for the final climactic fight. At last. Pervology Demigod, like a true genre-blind muppet, decides to stay and take them all on by himself. Why is he bothering with that? When it’s already been proven that Super Britney-Helena 2 can take him on all by herself, and he has everything he needs. So what’s he staying for? Pride? If he can only just about beat one of the girls, than what makes him think he can beat that girl with three others helping her? It’s suicide.

Pervology fights in increasingly silly and desperate ways. Mullet get’s beaten up some more, and a now recovered Weatherby can’t stop the self destruct sequence. What happened Weatherby? I thought you were “on it”? I’m so disappointed in you. Remember Max? Or Zack? Wiggy or Hayate? Me neither. They’ve conveniently fallen off the face of the earth for this final fight.



Eyecatching title, but the reviewer should work on his English.


The Pervology Demigod drunkenly balances on a wooden ladder above a five hundred foot death drop. The girls try to take his legs with Devon Aoki, I mean another ladder, and he leaps on top of that too. I didn’t know sun shades give you such amazing balance. I wonder why more gymnasts don’t wear them.

Tina decides to try her luck and charges in, but she’s just a wrestler and quickly gets herself into trouble. Yikes, her legs get more tangled than the wires of my gaming consoles. Devon Aoki has had enough and decides that no mere ladders are going to show her woodenness up. So she dives in and impersonates a ladder. Word.

The girls then swing chains (!) at Pervology Demigod. Won‘t this jackass die already?

The ladders break and Pervology holds onto the chains because of his super human wanking arms. Kasumi and Tina, fall. Is it too much to hope to their death?

Well of course it is, because Hayate and Wiggy finally show up after a good ten minutes doing it in the corner. They brandish ladders and stop the girl’s fall, although with their weight and at that velocity they would smash right through the ladders and keep on falling.

Unsurprisingly, Mullet’s still getting his licking and is being choked to death, but miraculously saved by Weatherby and Max(!). The tedious trio make for the exit.

It finally happens. What Logic said should have happened from the very beginning of the fight. The shades slip off and Pervology Uberhax Demigod, reverts back to plain old Pervology. Why? Was that single a piece of nonsense hardware really responsible for the sheer godliness of the past fifteen minutes? I guess so, as now he’s as boned as a Christmas turkey.



Curses! And my plan was so well thought out!


Hayate cripples him, and we gratuitously see what’s going on inside Pervology’s foot, red blood cells and all, because CGI was feeling a bit left out. Kasumi being a piece of wood herself, runs up a wooden pillar, takes out one of her fancy acupuncture needles from her wrist ribbon and jabs Pervology in the back, completely paralysing him. That’s right, she paralyses a crippled man. How very necessary, especially considering there’s a self destruct countdown.

Ten seconds to go and with no chance of escaping, Weatherby asks the screenwriter if he can contrive a super fun happy slide right next to him that leads outside. The screenwriter, ever looking for a chance to make the movie worse, happily obliges.

All the main characters escape, having learned nothing at all from the experience. I can describe their escape in three words. Big, dumb and loud.

Big - The tower is greatly oversized.

Dumb - They dive five hundred feet off the tower into water. Not one character sustains even minor injury from it.

Loud - Explosions are loud.

The tower falls and not one character is hurt by the debris. Which is unsurprising as computer images can’t hurt people.

As the epilogue begins, we see that the same pirates from before who got beaten by Tina are back. Which given the vastness of the ocean, is almost impossible. This time they actually remembered to keep their props, I mean guns, on them. They survey the wreckage and find a woman lying face down on Devon Aoki -or a raft and he turns the woman around to find Tina. The pirate captain emits a pansy “Oh no!”. Gee guy, you have machine guns and she's unarmed. Your advantage can’t get any more insurmountable. The movie cheats again and has Tina beat all of them off camera, because it knows that there’s no way in hell they could show that fight without us, the audience, laughing our asses off. Even if all of her friends joined in it would be no contest once the bullets started flying. Guns in general have been mysteriously absent here. They’re simply never used. In Enter the Dragon, this was justified, here it’s yet another plot hole.

OOHHH!! COOTIES!!

A montage, reminding us of some of the movie’s low points plays among “edgy“ rock music, as if we remotely needed that.

Cut to “ONE WEEK LATER, BACK AT KASUMI’S PALACE”. Oh, so it’s Kasumi’s palace? Where are her parents and why is she still a princess? Why would a princess need her own palace? Do these people give all their sons and daughters palaces each when they aren’t even the recognised royalty of Japan? How self important can they get?

Because it's such a natural thing to say in this situation, Britney Helena then asks; “Don’t you think that guy in the second row is cute?”. What’s that supposed to mean? Is anyone supposed to know who or what you’re talking about you lunatic? I’ll indulge you. Yes. Yes he is. Now back in your cell. Glad to know that she’s only dated Weatherby one week and she’s already thinking about other men. 

Christie then asks “Is there any guy you don’t have a crush on?”. The answer is no, there isn't.

We then see that the girls are armed with katana swords and are being charged by some three hundred armed men. As usual, there are several problems with this.

Firstly, they are positioned at the top of the stairs in Kasumi’s palace. Meaning that the guards would have had to of let them in. Why? Wouldn’t they have tried to kill Kasumi on sight for leaving the clan?

Secondly, we see that Wiggy is with them and on the girl’s side. Which is bewildering because it was her task to hunt and kill Kasumi for the clan. At what point did she have a complete role reversal and decide to help Kasumi? They have not had one nice thing to say about each other since this movie began, so what‘s the deal? Wiggy’s fierce loyalty to the clan, even at the expense of reason, has been her defining trait thus far. This character U turn is so fast and baffling that it makes any viewer go dizzy and weak at the knees.

Thirdly, where’s Hayate and Mullet? Jerking each other off somewhere? One would think they, being both highly protective of Kasumi, would want in on this impossible battle.

Fourthly, that’s just it. This battle is impossible. There is no possible way that five people can survive a frontal assault against three hundred, yet each one of these girls act completely unconcerned about their imminent deaths. They're either supremely confident in their martial skills or too slow to know when their lives are in danger. This is the latter.

Fifthly, since when are Tina, Christie and Britney-Helena trained to use katana swords? Entertainment wrestlers really get schooling in Samurai swords before they’re allowed in the ring? Who knew? What use is mastery of a katana blade to a professional thief, or whatever the hell it is Britney-Helena does for a living? These three are so untrained that they’re likely to impale themselves as soon as the fight begins.

I can sum it all up quite nicely. The director, clearly fed up with the screenplay, actors and production, has effectively said “Rocks fall, everybody dies.” with this scene.



At least they didn't sequel bait...


With that the credits roll and thankfully I’m done and will never watch this abomination again .

Wait a minute! Hold everything! That’s the end?

They’re seriously not going to show us how they got the nanobots out of their systems? One of the most basic rules of screenwriting is that what’s set in motion, stays in motion until it’s paid off. This is never paid off in the movie and as per the rules of filmmaking 101, all the fighters who have attended the DOA tournament still have the nanobots in their bodies and have made no attempt to get rid of them. This will very likely expose them to chronic poisoning by heavy metal ions, eventual cancer by the radiation that these things have to be giving off and stroke.

What do they care. Theyre about to be killed by three hundred guards. Those same guards who did nothing to stop Kasumi from leaving, but now that she's returned, all want to kill her.

That poor cricket.

Friday 3 August 2018






DOA : Dead or Alive The Movie Recap: Part 3
Max thinks the code to steal the hundred million dollars on the island is “Helena”. Yeah, and the code for stealing milk from babies is “Waagh”. Christie calls him out for being an idiot and wisely takes over the operation. Meanwhile, we see that Weatherby is spying on Britney-Helena from behind a pole. Weatherby you know the rules, no harassing the island’s mental patients. Don’t make me set Bayman on you. I doubt your flip flops are up to the task of knocking him out. 

Triumphant violin romance music plays as Britney-Helena turns around. Rose petals come out of nowhere, surrounding his goddess, as Weatherby whips off his glasses as she jumps in his arms as they dance in increasingly white bred ways. They're one step short of doing The Carlton.  



Ahchoo! Weatherby's nosebleed enters bullet time. 

He has all the pulling ability you might expect from a gimp, but his creepy behaviour miraculously works on Britney- Helena. Proving once and for all that she is insane. That and she can’t seem to remember his name. An easily pronounceable name that she heard two seconds ago. Pronouncing it as "Wallaby".

Still keen on giving away the last remnants of his dignity, Zack tries again on Tina. Does this guy just not get the message? He tries the exact same approach that failed the last ten times. of talking down to her, calling her “baby” and saying “You know you wanna dance with me.” in a patronising voice as if she’s supposed to forget that only five minutes ago he was cussing her out. The result? Tina roundhouse kicks him to the face. Alright, that was uncalled for. These two characters are trying desperately hard to be the most unsympathetic in the movie. Just when one appears to be slightly more sympathetic than the other, they ratchet up the nastiness quicker than a piranha to the crotch. They truly do deserve each other.



Alright, let's do this thing, I'm drunk and we've got that long before the end of our careers. 


Zack and Tina organise their match for tomorrow, as Zack’s blue balls are weighing him down at the moment. They’re to fight in a place called “The Forbidden Square”, although why it’s forbidden I have no idea. How they’re allowed to fight in a square that’s forbidden is also beyond me. As the sun rises, we get to see two characters that that we have no interest in, hanging from wires and fighting. Hmm, Tina is one of the stars on the movie's poster, has top billing, is a woman who has been harrassed by this obnoxious guy since his introduction, and one of the themes of this film, is girl power. Gee, I wonder who's gonna win? 

Tina wins. Never saw it coming!

For, the coup de grace, there’s a tweety bird sound effect to accompany her knock out punch. Again, if they wanted to make a cartoon, or even a 3D animated movie, than why didn’t they just do that? It would have been a thousand times more authentic than this ugly hybrid of live action meets cartoon effects. 

Zack actually thanks Tina afterward, and apologises for “messing” with her. Yeah because a guy like him is likely to apologise and shake hands after being humiliated by a girl in a fight. Oh well at least this subplot is finally over. Can the A plot kick in now? Pretty please? 



If you're a professional fighter and you lose to a girl in denim, who by trade, only fights in scripted matches... it's time to rethink your life. 


Now we get to what is undoubtedly the worst fight of the movie. Christie vs. Britney Helena. It’s shot in the most artsy fartsy way you can imagine and repeatedly cuts to Holly Vallance staring into space for no reason at all. When it’s on, the fight choreography seems alright, but it's swiftly ruined by the strange editing and abuse of slow motion. At first Christie’s on top, than suddenly Britney-Helena, then suddenly Christie. Cut to Christie looking bored, then suddenly Britney- Helena, and so on. Excuse me for a minute:

WHAT’S THE POINT OF THEM EVEN FIGHTING IF WE CAN’T TELL WHAT’S GOING ON. YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THEM FIGHT OFFSCREEN AND DECLARE A WINNER THAT WAY. 

So to cut a long story short.

Christie‘s dominatrix powers manage to overwhelm Britney-Helena’s level of Super Loon. Yay for her. The thief manages to remember the code tattoo from her opponent’s neck and writes it on a piece of paper with perfect precision. That's right, fighting Britney Helena was so easy, that Christie could afford to stare at the back of her opponent's neck for half the fight. Though what was the point of Fame Douglas putting the code for his one hundred million dollar bank vault on the back of his daughter’s neck in mirror reverse? Unless his goal was to help out potential thieves. 


She's yanking her so hard she's actualy taking off. Maybe she'll land in a better movie. 

The three protagonists finally wise up to the fact that they’re annoying the audience by dragging their feet, and they finally, FINALLY decide to start the film’s third act. Hallelujah. 

Ugh, I think the movie heard me.

So we’re back to more banal dialogue between two mad people. Weatherby complains about the stairs, and says he’s tired. Britney Helena rocks back and forth about how she lost to Christie and how the voices won’t stop. Oh wait, that’s just Weatherby’s whining. Never mind. 

Kasumi, Christie and Tina wander into the Pervology cave, not once stopping to wonder how or why it was so easy for them to get in. They marvel at all the computers and gadgets, and realise that they’re in the presence of the next generation of pervert technology. They find Mullet taking a nap, passed out from having an erection the entire time. Instead of picking him up and high tailing it out of there, they all sit down and ask a man to groggy to even speak what’s going on. While gas is filling the room. Smart. 

Weatherby tells Britney-Helena about the root cause of her babbling. That her father, Fame Douglas was killed by Pervology. For kicks, Dr Pervology decides to send an entire legion of his best warriors to kill them, but something is amiss with Britney-Helena… 

The tragic revelation, along with no longer taking her medicine, causes the restraints on her power level to be undone, and the transformation to Super Freak Level 2! Meaning she goes ape and pounds Pervology's goons into oblivion. Wow! Weatherby decides he wants in, and get’s his fist punched by someone’s face. Not so impressive. 



No, Helena. The pointy end goes into the man. 


Mullet and the three bimbos have somehow captured themselves and find themselves bound in the prisons from Minority Report. A trippy Dr. Pervology walks in, and shows them more peeping tom gadgetry. This is the central plot point of the film. The entire reason he invited them to DoA in the first place and the entire reason any of us are here right now. 

Dr. Pervology puts on his funky looking cyber shades, and “starts the download”. Er, now really isn’t the time to download your porn, fella. A red light flashes on his sunshades, causing red alerts to go off in the caverns of his island. Weatherby remarks that the download has begun. Why would the doctor have blaring alarms start the moment he began his illegal download? So Weatherby and Britney-Helena can know it's happening and stop him of course! There literally is no other reason. 

But it turns out it’s not porn he’s downloading, it’s the “nanobot harvest” , or in English, he’s downloading data on each fighter’s moves to his sunshades. Okay, I’m not sure what possible use that is, but let’s see where this goes. 

Britney-Helena and Weatherby walk further into the compound, followed by Max. They find a computer terminal, and Weatherby’s “on it”. Whatever that‘s supposed to mean.

Pervology then says he’s “Been waiting a year for this”, and that he “Kept him in superb fighting condition’’, and by “him”, he means Hayate. When the doors pull back, we see that Pervology keeps him shackled to a wall, so given that he can’t even move, how “superb” he can be, is still in debate. 

Hilariously, the movie flashes back to Kasumi’s sexual fantasy at this late stage. Kasumi literally orgasms now that the hero of her fantasies is within view. The reason for this flashback is painfully obvious, Hayate in these end scenes, now sports a buzz cut as opposed to the long girly hair of Kasumi’s fantasy. Why a movie that is targeted for teens and adults given it's plethora of sexual themes, needs to hold it's audience's hands so much is beyond me. 

Hayate and Kasumi gush over each other as if the slash fic writers need any more ammunition. Pervology again goes on about how Hayate is the word’s greatest warrior with perfect skills and that he is all that. Despite the fact that Hayate doesn't regularly attend tournaments to prove it. In fact he's only competed in one, the previous DOA. The movie seems hell bent on establishing that Hayate’s some kind of superman, so let’s just go with it. 

Dr. Pervology then decides to challenge this specimen of a man to a fight (!)


Plothole #87633827879 - Dr Victor Donovan. The man who uses his ten million dollars as the prize for a martial arts tournament where he steals their moves as a supervillain. Due to him taking all the fighters out of the tournament after the second round by force, clearly DOA isn't publicised, nor does he have any sponsors, so the winner doesn't have any guarantees he'll even give them the prize money. He puts the DOA brand logo on everything, despite the fact that nobody is watching this tournament. He has one hundred million dollars in his vault, owns his own island, has hundreds of employees, and yet doesn't simply pay the fighters for their moves. 


Now that's assuming the sunshades work. 

Logic - Doctor Victor Donovan is pretty old and out of shape from the looks of things. Would you agree? 

- Completely. Just look at him. 

Logic - While this movie has gone above and beyond to establish Hayate as a fine physical specimen. So in a fair fight, there should be no contest. Hayate should easily pound Dr. Donovan into the ground. Right? 

- Of course. 

Logic - Then the only established factor, that can help Donovan is the sunshades plot device. This has the moves displayed by all of the fighters so far in the competition, which enable him to predict the future moves of those fighters because of the nanobots in their systems. It’s a lot of moves, but none of them are useful against Hayate. Hayate’s data is useful in predicting only what Hayate will do, if we are to follow movie logic. 

- Yep. 

Logic - Then what’s the use of these glasses in random encounters? Unless he plans to put nanobots and download data on every fighter in the world? It seems like a very long, very expensive and very convoluted way to gain the ability to beat such a limited amount of people in hand to hand combat, and yet later we see Donovan selling this useless technology to international buyers. It’s usefulness is further diminished considering we live in an age of guns. 

Logic - It's also impossible for a computer, any computer, to know with absolute certainty, what moves a fighter will perform before he even begins to make them. It would require the computer to compile data on the fighter for many years, or even a lifetime to even begin to estimate what move the fighter might pull off before any moves are made. I’m talking single moves, yet this movie, is trying to tell us that these sunshades can predict entire fights before the fights even start based on the moves a particular fighter displayed over a mere three rounds of combat. 

Logic - Even if Donovan could somehow predict whole fights, that alone won’t help him when multiple fists come flying his way. He still needs to be physically strong and fast enough to be able to intercept all of those strikes and counter all those holds. He needs to watch the moves play out with his glasses, causing many blind spots in his vision where he is completely vulnerable to attack. Yet in the movie we see that he is never caught by this trap. He needs to then process that short film the glasses just showed him in his brain, and he still needs to invent and deploy moves of his own to actually beat his opponents.

Logic - For him to make use of the glasses, even if they could accurately show him the fights before they happen, which is impossible in it’s own right, would require him to have a photographic memory, lightning fast cognitive processing abilities, the reflexes of a cat, flawless combat technique and peak human strength, speed, and endurance. In short, he would have to be super human.

Logic - It’s important to note that the sunshades would severely limit his vision and won't stay on his head in a fight.

- The glasses has a camera in it that lets him see!

Logic - A camera does not record an image at the exact same time that an image is taking place in reality. There is a slight delay in the recording, which we must subtract from Donovan’s reflex time, which is already tiny as it is, to the point where I’m pretty certain that the camera’s lag time actually slightly exceeds the time that Donovan has to react against a peak human fighter like Hayate. Never mind the others, who he later fights all at once. 

Logic - We see that when the sunshade’s video of Hayate’s fight prediction comes in, Dr Donovan adapts his moves to easily beat Hayate, who’s moves throughout the real fight, are the exact same as what was predicted by the sunshades. This is ridiculous because as Donovan adapts his moves, than logically, Hayate, being a gifted fighter, would adapt his style and change his moves to counter Donovan’s adaptation, and so the original fight prediction would be rendered useless. This entire technology relies on fights being more simple than a game of rock paper scissors.

Alright there we go. The crowing jewel of suck. This movie wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane to start with, in fact it was an outright terrible experience, but not that far and away below other bad movies. This plot hole of plot holes however, turns the entire premise into an irredemable mess. This is film making at it very worst. 

Pervology kicks Hayate into the wooden nightmare of a tower that the bimbo trio made a hash of trying to climb earlier. Hayate is falling to his death but Wiggy however comes out of nowhere and somehow catches a fully grown man who has already fallen some thirteen stories. The movie knows full well how stupid this is, and again cheats by having Wiggy catch him in a completely implausible way. When he’s falling, we can see there’s nothing but empty space and certain death underneath him. Then suddenly she appears, grabs him, and then suddenly there is the solid floor underneath them, and they’re just fine. How in hell did that happen? Teleportation? In the games’ storyline both these characters can teleport, but if they‘re only now giving these character their powers from the games, than why does Hayate even need Wiggy to catch him if he can just teleport to safety himself? 

Wiggy then hugs and passionately french kisses her brother, Hayate. 

(!!) 

You want that again? 

They FRENCH KISS.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW  AYGIYQDGIWYD&QYQ&YSQIWDIYQEGDUYEGQDUYWGT&


If this is standard practice in the ninja clan... that explains way too much about these characters.  

Swiftly moving on. 

Max tries to open the vault. Weatherby’s still “on it”. 

Stupidly, Dr Pervology offers to sell his shades to “buyers from all over the world”. Seeing how these “buyers” have no idea of what he’s "selling", this makes no sense whatsoever. Pervology then thanks them for their “down payments”. Down payments? This guy looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Hugh Heffner and Steven Seagal and they’re trusting him with down payments? They still have no idea what they‘re paying for, so Pervology immediately sends them the “download program”. Right, so I expect that after examining this program they will come to the same conclusions I have. That his shades don’t work and even if they did work, they would require a demigod to make them work, and will promptly tell Pervology to piss off

Friday 27 July 2018



DOA : Dead or Alive The Movie Recap: Part 2

Moving on, some chick who’s a dead ringer for Britney Spears is rollerblading somewhere and telling us what DOA is in voiceover. Telling us that it’s the world’s “greatest” martial arts tournament. In what sense? In what way is it better than boxing or MMA ultimate fighting? Tournament, that’s all she says, no twists, no gimmicks to make it unique, nothing. This person calls herself “Helena Douglas”.

Helena is a French opera singer in the games, so her wearing a bikini and hot pants while rollerblading, chewing bubblegum and talking like she’s fresh out of High School Musical makes a pointless change as they could have just been their guest celebrity announcer. French accent and all.

We see that she’s really on a plane’s TV screen and bring watched by a bunch of Comic Con cosplayers who are apparently this tournament’s fighters. Interestingly enough, in this movie’s single moment of good casting, one of them happens to be Kevin Nash, an actual wrester in real life who plays Bass, Tina’s wrestling father. Britney-Helena calls them the best of their fighting styles and thus unwittingly brings up the number one problem with Bass and Tina, even in the games. How is entertainment wrestling a fighting style? Without a script to follow, could any wrestler from WWE really hold their own against any professional fighter or martial artist using only their wrestling techniques? The answer is no. They’d be blown away like a storm in a pee cup. 

A black guy with a bizarre haircut who looks like he has a spike in his head (inspired by Rhyhorn) comes on to Tina. With her father right there. Ouch. He says what we’re all thinking, that wrestling isn’t a real fighting style. Mullet tells Kasumi he was invited to DOA, which makes me wonder if Shurikenman went to all of these people’s pads throwing invites their way. It’s called email. We’ll see that in this movie, every character seems to have a stubborn and inexplicable inability to do anything the way normal people would do it. 


Devon Aoki drains the life out of the scene. 


Christie has some dialogue with her ex boyfriend Max. Remember him from the games? Me neither. Pissed off, she grabs and painfully twists his crotch. What is it with this woman and inappropriate sexual conduct? Normal women don’t grab and twist the genitals of men at every opportunity. Thief Christie comes across as some kind of S & M dominatrix, as opposed to a thief. 

Here we go again with the complete inability to do anything normally. Rather than have the pilot land the plane and have the passengers walk out, Helena TV informs our cosplayers that they have to bail out with parachutes and whoever doesn’t make it by a certain time is disqualified. Well what’s the point of that? What if there was a terrifically gifted fighter who’s only weakness is his or her fear of heights? Would that be fair to a competitor who think’s they're going to a martial arts tournament? What if none of them bother to jump out the plane? I guess that would mean the tournament’s cancelled and it’s movie over? It’s just filler, as clearly none of the main characters are going to be disqualified so early on.

Kasumi than opens the plane door from thousands of feet up and rather than the depressurisation sucking her out, she’s able to stand there calmly and go at her leisure. Tina’s hat doesn’t even move from her head as she holds it only after the depressurisation is over. The characters then decide to try their best to act in front of a mild fan being blown in their faces amidst a matte painting of the sky while over the top action movie music plays. None of these characters have had any sky diving training, so were this realistic, you would see most the characters soiling themselves at this point. 

Kasumi, Christie and Tina, land “off target” and find themselves at the bottom of some kind of Asian tower built into the cliff that has an empty centre. It’s a wholly impractical design that looks like a wooden skyscraper with a every floor having a huge square hole in it leading all the way from the bottom to the roof. This architectural nightmare easily perplexes them, and all three women decide to go up by way of wires as opposed to using the stairs or ladders that must be there and will appear later. Devon Aoki scoffs at the very idea that any man made structure can be more wooden than she is, and is the first to start this . 



This is what the tower's cleaners have to go through on a daily basis. 

As if it couldn’t get any worse, Devon Aoki’s presence causes the woodenness of the tower to burst it’s capacity, and down she falls to her death. 

Oh rats, they had to catch her. Kasumi, having fallen three stories sees someone looking knowingly back at her. Anyone want to guess who it is? 

It’s…

WIGGY!!

WHAT THE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

>HEADDESK<

Wiggy just happened to know the exact moment when and where Kasumi would have her little mishap? Is Wiggy psychic? The logical place for her to wait for them would be at the top, not waiting at a certain point hoping to get very lucky, waiting for Kasumi to have an accident and conveniently fall the three stories necessary for her to look badass! We also see that Holly Vallance has the strength to hold a fully grown, hanging woman by the ankles. The movie than cheats and has Kasumi get up from an impossible position off screen. Truly this is drivel of the most stupid kind.

Britney-Helena, then takes the three knuckleheads to Disneyland, or at least a place that looks just like it. Their host, Dr Victor Donovan, is introduced, and the announcer barely stops short of telling them that this will be your villain for this evening. What we get is a weird cross between Lex Luthor and Hugh Heffner dressed in gold Steven Seagal pyjamas. He pontificates that Dead or Alive was created by the late Fame Douglas. Why? Reasons I guess. 

All the fighting characters then have “physicals”, which serve as a quick way to get all the minor ones named by again, captions. These physicals are unlike any I’ve ever seen and to sum it up I will say that it’s very sci fi and very CGI. Scanners scan here and there and places you really shouldn’t. Of note we see that Mullet’s caption says, “HAYABUSA”. Ryu Hayabusa? The Super Ninja of the Hayabusa Clan? Only now is such an important character from the games given a name? Well of course not because he is not the Hayabusa from the games. All the studio wanted was the name, and clearly offered the part to some bartender that came in off the street. Spike head, or as this movie would have us believe, “Zack”, does some embarrassing dance moves in his scanning booth. Eh, at least he isn’t wearing a sports bra...and at least he isn‘t Jar Jar. 



Yours is big? You ain't got nuthin on mine, girlfriend!


Dr. Donovan and his resident computer nerd Weatherby watch the half naked girls being scanned. Exactly what is this guy doctor of, Pervology? The nurses inject “nanobots” in the fighter’s bodies. Why? We’ll find out later. 

Yet another caption informs us that it’s “DoA Day One”, and while other fighters are wisely preparing for bouts that can easily leave them life long cripples, Britney-Helena has taken to rollerblading around the compound in her underwear. Someone should really get this poor girl’s head looked at. Important to note! We see that Kasumi has the strength to break a hard tightrope that’s bound to a wide mahogany pole in only four strikes, with her finger. I must say that's impressive. Other characters are training, in Dragonball style , with Tina doing a bunch of kickboxing moves (kickboxing? Wasn’t she a wrestler?), and a guy doing a handstand on a pole. All the while, Britney-Helena is still rollerblading around in her underwear. Someone's been waxing! 

The tournament begins, and we hear this annoying female announcer, say, “Get ready! Fight!” before every single match. This is the world’s greatest martial arts tournament? Is it the fact that it thinks it’s a video game that makes it the greatest? Britney-Helena, fights and beats, an unnamed muscular Asian martial artist. Nice to see those rollerblading sessions have done such wonders for her power level. Must also pay to be a lunatic in a fight, as she viciously gouges his eyes and screams like a shrill banshee. The fights are choreographed like a DVD bargain bin kung fu movie, and to cut a long story short, every main character wins. Stamp collecting has more tension than this movie. 


Mortal Kombat making too much sense? Try DOA! We have HP bars!


Round one, is thankfully over, and now Kasumi is doing some soul searching. By “soul searching” I mean sitting on some stairs and waiting for her pay check to clear. Seems that she is day dreaming of being tied to a pole by several men. Hey Kasumi, I never knew you were so kinky. Being a repressed princess must mean she has to find her sexual outlet somewhere huh. Then Hayate, her brother, swings into her sexual fantasy, rescues her and sweeps her off her feet. How very Freudian and weird. What’s that you say? This is an actual flashback? Oh no it isn‘t. Were this a flashback, than that would create a plot hole large enough to swallow Delaware, being that Kasumi isn’t allowed to leave the ninja palace and possesses fighting skills that can beat these jokers in her sleep. So I’m sticking with bizarre sexual fantasy.



Dr Pervology then addresses Kasumi as a princess, which leads me to question how he knows her rank if she’s supposed to be princess of a secret ninja clan. He then calls her the “Sister of Hayate”. What, no Prince Hayate? If this dude’s a doctor, than he surely knows that the brother of a princess is a prince. Dr Pervology tells Kasumi that Hayate was killed by a fighter called Leon, who’s the kind of dumb jock you’ll see hanging around gyms who thinks steroids makes him all that. Kasumi then has another bizarre fantasy where she calls her brother the best in the world. Which given how she's never seen the outside world, makes that pretty speculative. We see that Mullet is stalking them, and Wiggy is lurking in the bushes watching. These two... 

LIVES. GET THEM. 

Hayate then tells Kasumi that when he leaves, it’s up to her to lead the clan. Come again? How is it up to a prince or princess to lead? Where are their parents? Do they have no parents? In that case who was the old guy giving Wiggy orders to kill Kasumi? Why is Kasumi still a princess? Why has she not queened or empressed up in the total absence of her parents? Hayate actually has a humorous line, that Mullet will protect Kasumi. Which is like Ren protecting Stimpy. 


Save me Popeye! Saaaave mee!


Kasumi then has a bath in rose petals. Alright enough already. Kasumi is femme. We get it. She has a vagina. We understand. You can stop shoving this chickification down our throats now. She’s so wooden that its hard to tell which ones the bath and which ones the actress. Boring lines are exchanged between her and Mullet and the movie tries to establish Mullet as a designated love interest, but quickly gives up after realising what it has to work with. 

Christie, then has sex with Max. She tells him she’d rather him do something else with his mouth rather than talk. What would that be? Suck as bad as her? 

Zack then tries again to come onto Tina by the Jacuzzi and one wonders why he is bothering with a woman who clearly isn’t interested in him. There are plenty of better looking women on the island, so it’s not like this guy’s spoilt for choice. What gives? 

Wiggy makes a pointless bid to eat up screen time by attacking Kasumi. Again, no tension involved, just meaningless flash. 

Dr Pervology matches Kasumi against Leon. With all the subtlety you expect from a shaven ape, Leon Steroids, goes crashing in, smashing this and that. Leon Smash! Rwwaarr! Kasumi then jump kicks him in the head (!) and the chest (!!), and like a Dragonball Z villain, Leon Steroids doesn’t flinch at any of it. Remember when I brought up the point about being impressed by Kasumi’s power? Well It’s nice to know that Kasumi, a ninja who has the power to break ropes asunder with her bare fingers, can’t make a man flinch with a full jump kick to the head. I’d say this has given up on logic about now, but it can’t give up on what it never had. The movie then decides to spit on it’s vomit by having Leon Steroids’ arms actually make the sound of guns. Subtle. 

Kasumi is being smashed through ceramic structures and gets up from moves that should at the very least have left her a bloody mess. Alas in the DoA franchise, blood and pain don’t exist. 

Max and Christie are in the afterglow of a good night’s shagging. He tells her that Britney-Helena is “The Key”. Given what he know about her, Britney- Helena probably told him that and really believes that she’s a key. I bet she spends her days trying to stick her head into keyholes. When she’s not rollerblading in underwear of course. 

As usual, Leon Steroids comes crashing through the wall, bringing one Devon Aoki with him. In a yet another breach of continuity, Kasumi’s kicks now have a devastating effect on the muscle head. Each blow now sends him flying, and Kasumi comes to the stunning realisation that he couldn’t have killed her brother. 

Well I beg to differ. 

There are many ways he could have killed her brother. It’s called cheating. He could have snuck weapons into the fight or spiked her brother’s piƱa coladas ahead of time. Unlikely as it may have been, there was always a chance that Leon Steroids might’ve had a good fight and her brother an off day, thus the circumstances of the fight could've simply gone against him. 

Zack tries his best to get thrown in jail by attempting non consensual sex with Tina. She removes his shorts and quietly takes them with her as she leaves the Jacuzzi area. Anyone who now can’t see the obvious set up for what’s coming next, must have never seen a comedy in their lives. 



Once you go Zack, you never go black. 


Kasumi kicks Leon Steroids over the balcony and into the Jacuzzi. where a naked Zack awaits him. Surprise, surprise, what komedy. Tee hee! There is a genuinely humorous moment when Kevin Nash’s Bass mistakes his daughter Tina for a lesbian with Christie. The chemistry between Bass and Tina does work well by bad movie standards. 

Max, Christie’s boyfriend, has taken to seducing Britney -Helena. I get the feeling that this guy just wanted to sleep with her as he’s probably fed up with Christie’s ball busting. Helena naively falls for him. Dr Pervology and his resident gimp Weatherby, don’t like that the in house rules of no harassing the fighters with mental impairments has been violated. So he sends the Bayman to go kick Maxie’s ass. Max however “hilariously” beats Bayman with his shoes, in true slapstick grovelling fashion. 

It’s here that we realise that the film has no idea what it wants to be. A serious drama? A titillation fan service movie? A slapstick comedy? An action kung fu movie? One minute you will be watching the most outrageously silly slapstick hi jinks, the next you are supposed to take Kasumi’s search and Wiggy’s hunting seriously. While all the time they’re hopping on wires like frogs with ADD. 


Of all the competitors, Max was a shoe in. 


Kasumi and Tina are having a moment on a wooden raft, but I can’t see Devon Aoki, I can only see Tina and the raft. It’s Bass vs. Tina time, and when Bass lands on the raft, a piece of wood flies out of it’s structure. Oh there she is. Tina somehow manages to beat her three hundred pound father in an unscripted wrestling match. Okay whatever. 

And now for the XTREME beach volleyball filler scene. Sigh, yes another fan service. With a plot this thin, (girls at a tournament), they have to pad this crap out anyway they can. There has been no A plot so far, just three subplots, Kasumi‘s, Christie’s and Tina’s. This scene has nothing to do with any of them. 

Zack acts like a little hurt child and insults Tina over his rejection. Okay, but this could have, and does take place during their actual match. Having it here is just redundant. Is this Zack guy for real? He acts so butt hurt that I get the real feeling that he’s using his insults to hold back tears. I think the movie want’s us to believe that he’s a player, but real life players don’t spend all their time focused on a woman who rejects them. They know that it’s inevitable that a proportion of the women they try it on with will reject them. It’s a natural part of it. Only movie players stubbornly stick on the one girl, doggedly trying the same misogynistic technique for the purpose of comedy and then throw a tantrum when their perseverance doesn’t work. It’s a waste of everybody’s time. If the key doesn’t fit the lock Zack, than no amount of you forcing it through is going to make it fit. It‘s dim. 

Mullet, the dork he is, is wearing a ninja suit at the beach. I’m sure he fits right in at nightclubs. He bends over to pick up the beach ball and as soon as he looks up, he sees Kasumi looking back at him in a bikini. Remember when I said that the cops from earlier in the film had an immature reaction to a girl? Well that’s nothing compared to what’s going on here. Mullet, Forrest Gump acts more mature around boobs than you, and Devon Aoki isn’t exactly blessed in that department to start with

They have a volleyball game. There’s nothing else to say. it’s just a volleyball game and there’s nothing interesting about it. Once we’ve seen these girls in bikinis, we’ve seen them. There’s nothing left under their hats and the fan service has been used up. Thus the scene falls flat. Were this tied to the story in any way, then that would have been a different matter, but you can’t just put Devon Aoki and Holly Vallance in bikinis and go “Haah? Haah?” It’s a waste. 

Meanwhile, Mullet tries to sneak. Into Dr Pervology’s base. Out of the entire cast, he alone is being the least bit proactive. 

A shuriken bursts the volleyball.


OH NO!!

Kasumi decides that now would be a good time to run away, before they replace the ball. For truly all ninja ninja princesses hate losing volleyball games. 

Mullet then get’s himself trapped in the exact same way that Bruce Lee did in Enter the Dragon. The wall doors shut on him in the exact same way after he goes through a lot of henchmen, just like in Enter. Originality be damned. 

Kasumi wanders into a bamboo forest repeatedly calling Wiggy’s name. How does she know Wiggy’s there? We are never shown. Seems Kasumi was right though, as Wiggy comes charging in like a drugged maniac, brandishing a sword and screaming like she’s William Wallace. Ah, the way of the true ninja. Kasumi dodges and weaves and Wiggy swings that thing with such force that it slices thick bamboo clean with each strike. What's Wiggy trying to accomplish? The complete bisection of Kasumi’s body? That’s awfully violent, so what’s the motivation here? Is it really, “If you leave palace grounds I’m going to bisect you and carve you up?” If Kasumi’s sexual fantasy from earlier was an actual flashback, than why didn’t Wiggy try to carve up Kasumi when she left the clan grounds back then? There is also a double standard here. Kasumi isn’t allowed to leave the clan to chase after her brother, but Wiggy is allowed to leave the clan to chase after Kasumi? Wheres the assassin who’s supposed to carve up Wiggy? 

Kasumi drives away her attacker by, get this, trapping Wiggy’s arm in a sliced up bamboo shoot in slow motion. Well that’s… odd. Instead of running off like a normal person, Wiggy decides she’d rather escape in style, and slowly swings from bamboo to bamboo like an inbred monkey. 


Inbred Monkey.